the IPW logo.
opens up in the day light on a road. Where are we? Looks like the
middle of no where. However, we do see a car. It doesn't look like
much.. Infact, it's pretty much a piece of crap. The camera's zoom
in and we see Carlito Caribbean Cool inside the car, on the
passengers side. On the drivers side it's Jesus, Carlito's friend
and apparently his bodyguard once again.
" Ahhh, Jesus! Carlito told
you dis' car was not cool! And now look! NOW LOOK!! Dis is .. dis is
boss, I really am.... "
" You think sorry makes the
car run, Jesus?! DO YOU?! "
Carlito is really angry and he's taking it out on Jesus.
uh .. sorry anyways? "
apparently begins to cool down, realizing being angry isn't going to
solve a thing. We need to find out why this happened.
" Dis ain't helping.. We
need to find out why dis' car isn't running.. "
" I'm not
sure what it is boss... But you know what? "
" What? "
" I think
it'd help some if there was gas in the car. Look, it says the tank
is empty. "
points and Carlito looks, seeing that Jesus was right. Boy, this
Jesus really isn't that bright, huh? Carlito appears to to be
getting angry again.
not .. cool! JESUS! How long did you know da' tank was empty?! "
" Well ...
Let's see ... I noticed it was pretty low uh .. About 10 miles ago?
" Das' it, get outta the
car! Now!! "
Carlito open up their doors and step out of the car. Carlito shuts
his door and walks over to Jesus' side.
" Because of you .. Carlito is
stuck in da middle of no where! Dis is unacceptable, Jesus! Dis is..
Dis is just .. not .. cool! "
his head down and is quite ashamed but really who wouldn't be?
Carlito paces back and forth desperately awaiting another car to
drive down the road.
" Where are dey?! Hot sunny day
... No rain ... Dis is da perfect day to uh .. uh .. you know, pick
up hitchhikers. Da' would be da' cool thing to do, right Jesus?! "
" But why
would people randomly pick up hitchhikers on a beautiful day like
this? They have all other choices like going to the beach or the zoo
or even swim in the swimming pool!!! ... Hey did that rhyme? "
" .. DAS .. NOT .. COOL .. YOU
BIG ... BIG ... JUST SHUT UP, CARLITO DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR YOU
ANYMORE! Dis is not good and you know it! You know who you're
like... My first opponent for IPW.... CM Punk. What he is .. it's
all in his name already. He's a punk.... And Carlito don't like
punks.... Punks .. are not .. cool .. And right now Jesus... YOU ARE
A PUNK! "
fuming by Jesus' not being to .. Well, bright. Perhaps the sun is
just too much for him. Who knows? Anyhow, Jesus stays quiet. Carlito
continues to pace. This goes on for literally about 15 to 20
minutes. After the time passes Carlito speaks.
" Carlito is.. thirsty.. Carlito
in need ... of apple ..... Carlito need .. no more .. sun. Sun ain't
cool .... TOO MUCH SUN!! Carlito would do anything to be in da ring
.. Wrestling on Total Impact Tuesday ... Beating the hell outta his
opponent CM Punk.. Winning ... but instead Carlito's here in the hot
All of a sudden.. To stop Carlito
dead in his tracks the theme to mission impossible plays. Not really
the real version, more like a midi version of it. Carlito is quite
" NOW DAS' COOL!! TOM CRUISE HAS
COME TO SAVE US JESUS!! "
puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out a black little object.
It flips open and Jesus talks. Holyshit, it's a freakin' cellphone!
.. Nice ring tone, buddy.
... Hey baby ... Mmm, baby... That sounds hott... What're you
wearing? .... Mmm .. Me? I'm .. I'm wearing nothin', you know that
by now baby... "
eyes are wide open. He walks to Jesus and is pretty much in
" I think
we should meet up for sure, baby... yeah..... I'll see you then ..
aww baby do I have to? I'm infront of my friends... Fine, fine ..
MUAAAH! Bye baby! "
a big grin on his face. Carlito still is in disbelief as he's
standing there.. Frozen.
" ... What
I do? "
" Carlito wants to know..... what
was dat .... you were using? WHY WERE YOU TALKING TO AN OBJECT?! "
" It's not
just an object, it's a cell phone.. You talk to people on it. "
" Carlito knows what it is
dummy.. Why didn't you tell Carlito you had a cell phone on you?!
Carlito could have been out of this dump by now! "
" I would
have but you told me to shut up awhile ago, remember? "
" GIVE IT TO ME YOU BIG GORILLA!
DAS NOT COOL AND YOU KNOW IT! "
takes the cell phone from Jesus and walks away as he dials a number.
Few minutes pass up and Carlito walks back to Jesus.
" A tow truck is on it's way ...
He gon' take us to a gas station.. We're gonna get gas now give
Carlito the money! "
blinks and then sort of just.. Looks away.
" What now? "
looks back to Carlito.
uh .. that girl I was talking to on the phone? "
" Uh sure .. she wasn't cool ..
Carlito don't like girls dat like big dummies like Jesus. "
I met her last night and uh.. I sort of used all the gas money on my
number one hoochie! She's so great though! She's great with her
" YEAH AND CARLITO IS GREAT WITH
HIS BOOT NOW GET OUTTA HIS FACE! CARLITO SPITS IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE
WHO USES HIS GAS MONEY!! "
this Jesus just isn't on top of his game today! He walks off with
his head down and Carlito paces around again, waiting for the tow
truck. Minutes pass, and then an hour. Finally the tow truck
arrives. All the usual towing happens here and finally, their ready
to leave. Carlito walks to the passenger's side to sit and Jesus
walks to the back of the truck to get in.. But Carlito speaks.
" What are you doing, Jesus!? "
going with you! "
" No ya' not... You're not cool
to Carlito anymore.. Not today anyway.. Carlito says you need to
stay out here in da' middle of no wheres... or walk home yourself..
Now das'... das' gonna be cool. Have fun with your hoochie now. "
gets in and it drives off, leaving Jesus standing in the middle of
the road with his head down. Aww, poor fella'. Oh well, next time
he'll just have to keep it in his pants and learn how to not spend
gas money on women. Anyway, hours pass. It's now getting a little
bit dark out. It's night time. The tow truck is now parked inside
the gas station by a gas pump so the car is close to it. The tow
truck drives off and Carlito walks into the gas station. He looks
around and has a weird look on his face s if he's disgusted.
" Dis place stinks... Das' not
cool! Carlito don't like it .. When 'da place he's at .. Smells
worse den' a whale .. or a cow or something like dat. Perhaps dis is
the way my opponent smells, cause really .. dat dude don't look like
he's taken a shower in months .. heck .. years. Showers are good for
you... and him not taking dem ever .. das' not cool. "
walks to the man behind the cash register. He appears to be in his
twenty's and has quite a bit of tattoos and piercing everywhere.
" White trash losers... look at
you.. Some young punk who decides dat his own flesh isn't good
enough .. So you get inked up all ova' da' place. What is dat on
your arm... a kitty cat? "
stares at Carlito oddly.
cat? There aren't any animals tattooed on me.. What the hell kind of
drugs you on man? "
" Drugs? No drugs... Drugs aren't
cool.. Are you on drugs? Looks like you are... And Carlito knows CM
Punk don't like drugs, but we all know .. Punks .. dey' don't tell
the truth. Just like you... you are a punk. You're lying.. Das' a
kitty cat... admit it.. You're a little kid on da inside, still
loving little kitties and loving to go to da' zoo. You have a soft
spot for animals.. but you hide it don't you.. you hide da' fact you
have a soft heart.. you hide da' real you behind those tattoos. "
looks pretty pissed off, about to go off on Carlito.... Then he all
of a sudden looks down.. What the hell?
You're right, I do have a secret .. and I use my tattoos to hide
shakes his head and laughs.
" Now das' just pathetic! Carlito
was only guessing .. And Carlito was right?! Hahaha... Das' because
Carlito knows everything. So people .. Dey' can hide behind tattoos
.. Well it looks like CM Punk does just dat .. but what is he
hiding? Ahhh who cares.. Carlito don't. Infact.. Carlito is hungry..
.Carlito is dying of thirst.. He'll be right back.. While I'm gone
go fiill up da' gas tank at number 4. "
nods and Carlito walks away. He walks to the back of the store where
they keep drinks. He looks around and seems a little outraged now.
" What da hell?! Dis ain't
cool... Carlito only can see .. pepsi .. products .. NOW DAS' NOT
COOL!! Don't CM Punk .. Have some sort of obsessive relationship ..
with Pepsi? I think he even calls his finisher .. Da' Pepsi ..
something. Maybe da' Pepsi Bottle or something, who knows. Either
way Carlito .. won't lose to dat move .. Carlito won't lose to any
move. Maybe Carlito will try pepsi though .. Perhaps it's .. good ..
Perhaps .... it's cool. "
the freezer door and goes to grab a pepsi. However, now he's
confused. His hand goes to the left on regular pepsi... But then he
see's Pepsi One .. Then his hand moves to Cherry Pepsi .. And to
Vanilla Pepsi .. Carlito is just plain confused.
" So many pepsi's .. what's dis
about?! Carlito thinks Pepsi needs to just be dem'selves ... Looks
like dey' are trying to hide.. behind different flavors, because the
regular kind .. it's not cool. OOOOH ... CARLITO UNDERSTANDS NOW!! "
looks as if he just figured out something huge.. What did he figure
out?! A new pepsi flavor, perhaps?
" No wonder CM Punk is obsessed
over dis stuff... He hides behind his tattoos... And Pepsi hides
behind flavors! DAS' IT!!! Pepsi and CM Punk are alike in many, many
ways .. Carlito thinks CM Punk.. Should just change his name to CM
Pepsi .. or CM Pepsi Vanilla .. or maybe even CM Cherry Pepsi ...
Ahh who cares .. All dese different kinds of pepsi's .. Where da'
heck is pepsi apple?! .. Das' so not cool .. Carlito ain't thirsty
shakes his head and walks to another isle. He spots some banana's
and next to them.. apples! He grabs an apple and doesn't even wait a
second, he bites into it and chews it. He then swallows.
" It's about time ... Carlito
misses eating you, Mr. Apple .. Now Carlito needs to get out of dis
place, it stinks .. "
goes to walk out of the door but the cashier speaks.
" Hey you
have to pay for that! And for the gas too, mister! "
looks behind him at the guy and smirks. He then walks over there and
looks left, and then right, before he stares at him in the face.
" Carlito says keep da' car...
You need it more than me.. Dat car ain't cool... and you ain't
either, CM Punk ... Wanna-Be.. And you know what Carlito does to
people .. who want to be CM Punk? "
has no clue what Carlito is taking about. He's quite confused, too.
" Uhh I
don't know what the fuck a CM Punk is but what do you do? "
" Carlito does this ... "
bites into the apple... He chews it some and looks to the left.....
And then back at the guy, spitting in his face!! Carlito speaks....
CARLITO SPITS IN DA FACE OF
PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO BE COOL
grins and takes another bite of the apple as he turned back around
and walked out of the gas station. The camera then fades out slowly.